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Archive for January, 2008

A New Day?

I took five days off last week to reflect, catch up on my reading, knit, and mentally prepare myself for the new semester. I saw an amazing miniseries on PBS- Jane Eyre– with Toby Stephens and Ruth Wilson. I’m still daydreaming about Stephens’ electric portrayal of Rochester. Yowza. And Wilson- who is a more perfect, more vibrant, more luminous Jane? No one, that’s who. I ripped through a dozen books- Poison Study, all of the Thursday Next series by Jasper Fforde, Jane Eyre, of course, and some lovely cheesy romance novels that make me feel all fuzzy inside. Who doesn’t love literature that also doubles as soft porn? I do!

So I’m feeling refreshed and rarin’ to go. I’m in a delightfully bitchy mood. I feel clever, bouncy, like I could salsa dance across the country in three inch heels. Okay, maybe not. But I do feel significantly less sorry for myself than the last entry I wrote. Trust me, I cried a lot the last week of December, and it’s all out of my system.

I’m taking Classical Mythology and Pharmacology this semester, and I had my first Mythology class this morning. I have to say I am so far disappointed by the professor- he is pompous and self-indulgent. Of a 50-minute class, five minutes were spent discussing the intricate pedantics of taking role (which line is it again that I sign my name- the one listed “Signature” or “Date??”), twenty minutes discussing just how important it is to come to class (got the e-mails, pal), ten minutes of faculty hierarchy (an excuse to stroke his tenured ego), and another ten minutes about Christianity (his affected miming of the late John Paul II was comedy gold). Oh, and he managed to squeeze in five minutes lecture on the subject at hand, mythos.

I’m not sure if I am going to drop this class or not. On one hand, it fulfills a requirement for my B.A.. On the other hand, it isn’t something that I need to be a nurse and I don’t know if it will distract me from Pharm, which I am just slightly worried about- my textbook has 109 chapters, and the course handbook is 400 pages long. I read the first five chapters in the book and other than the introduction, it jumps deep into specific drugs and their interactions. The class meets three times a week. It will be intense. But, I don’t want to take just one class- I’m itching for a challenge. So Mythology stays, for now. Actually, I’d like to sign up for Creative Writing (another B.A. req.) as well, but all the classes are filled right now. Mayhap a miracle will occur and a spot will open up??

I watched Persuasion this afternoon. I could barely keep myself from crying- I identify so much with Anne. I’m 25 and unmarried. This past year I have felt not like a young person anymore. I am more inhibited with my behavior- no more wacky spazzed out humor or bold statements. I keep a lot of the opinions I would previously announce to anyone listening to myself. I am much more private at work- most of my coworkers know very little about me, if they know anything. It’s not that I want to be secretive, I just don’t want to be that woman who tells her life story to anyone who will listen. I haven’t made any real connections with anyone in school. I remember my first years at U**- I met E. my second day of school and we’re still friends. I had many friends and would socialize a lot. Now, I only hang out with E., and that is infrequent at best.

I attribute a lot of my behavior changes to the depression I experienced in 2004-2006. I lost most of my friends during that time, either directly (them telling me I was a different person they didn’t want to be friends with) or just growing apart. Since that time, I’ve also noticed a difference in my behavior at work- I’m not as friendly, I don’t smile as much, I complain more, and I don’t talk a lot. People in my age group who would previously include me in inviting to parties now don’t invite me. I don’t want to be a sour, jaded person. I need to lighten up.

So, my New Year’s resolution is to relax, smile more, joke more and be nicer. It won’t kill me, right? If anything, it will move me back to the old Christina, who everyone liked, who people used to say never had a bad day. That they couldn’t imagine being grumpy. That is who I want to be again- quick, witty, clever, funny, charismatic. That is my aim.

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