I ended up with an A in Anatomy and a B in Chemistry. I was 29 points (3% of the total 1000 pts.) away from an A in Chem. I’m happy with a B, I guess. Not really. But, I am NOT taking that class again, so I need to accept that I didn’t get an A. I’ll be OK with it when I get accepted into the Nursing program.
I’m on Christmas break right now, and I’m feeling pretty low. It’s New Years’ Eve, and I don’t have any plans. I have to work a nine hour shift Jan. 1st at 8 AM, so I can’t really make any plans, other than see Sweeney Todd in the afternoon. Work has been scheduling me like crazy these past few weeks. I really, really hate working there. I have got to get a new job. Working retail makes me hate Christmas.
I went to New Orleans last week. It was kind of disappointing. I had some good meals- Cochon, Irene’s, Dante’s Kitchen, Elizabeth’s- and had some great experiences- caroling in Jackson Square, walking six miles in the cool sunshine, taking the Canal St. ferry to Algiers- but it wasn’t as great as I thought it was going to be. The public transportation sucks. On Magazine St., where you really need frequent bus service to make shopping much less of a pain in the ass, the bus came twice an hour. We kept missing it and having to wait. and wait. and wait. And the shopping was just OK. Lots of closed businesses and knick knack shops. Our last day it rained really hard and we had the WORST meal of our life at a Brennan’s chain restaurant. It’s the first thing I think of when I think of New Orleans- that shitty meal. C’est la vie.
After we returned from NOLA, I got the stomach flu. I cannot remember vomiting so much in one day. It was like clockwork- every 45 minutes I barfed every ounce of fluids I could. I was really dehydrated afterwards and got really dizzy and faint the next day. My mouth felt like a cotton ball and I didn’t pee for 18 hours. I’m feeling pretty much back to normal now, but I’ve been ill since the 21st.
I’ve been feeling sorry for myself lately. M. bought a lot of gifts for S. and D. and only three for me. After I opened my gifts and she was in the shower, I went upstairs and cried on my bed. When I woke up on Christmas morning, the tree was surrounded by piles and piles of gifts- I was so excited- which are for me?? I had spend two hundred dollars on M.- diamond earrings, a robe and slippers, a CD, Starbucks mug and coffee- and all the gifts were for S and D and their baby. I felt so sorry for myself- to me, M has always favored S and now that he is married it’s like she wants D to love her more than her real mother. Like D is a replacement daughter. But S and D are selfish and aren’t appreciative of all the gifts M gives them- all they got her was small picture of the baby with Santa in a cheap drugstore frame. A $5 gift. M spent $600 on them- a digital camera, six outfits for the baby, a leather wallet for S, clothing for D, etc. etc. M cannot see that S and D don’t care about her and they care about is material things. They are users, consumers. I think M wants so badly for S to love her that she’s willing to spend any amount of money to get his love. I guess until she realizes that there is nothing I can do. It’s none of my business. It still hurts my feelings that she’ll never go to that length for me.
It is this time of year that makes me aware of how different I am from other people in my family and people in general. I’m the only grandchild who is unmarried (or divorced, at least) and no kids of my own. No husband or boyfriend. No real close friends. Even E I haven’t talked to in two weeks. I feel really alone right now. Not really because I’m unattached, but that I miss having friends. I feel like I alienate people with my jaded attitude- I can’t be very much fun to be around judging people all the time. I don’t really like who I’ve become- sour and unfriendly. My coworkers don’t include me in anything, for a variety of reasons. I just don’t fit in. I thought this feeling wore off in high school, but it doesn’t.
I think part of my problem is that I am hyper self-aware. I need to be more self-absorbed, do things because I want to, not to please others (like the waitress, sales associate, etc.). That is the different between happy people and me- they blissfully follow their desires while I painfully stand around trying not to get in the way. Maybe I should stop giving a shit if the waitress feels like I respected her enough- just enough the meal! Sometimes I’m so aware of the people around me and the service I can’t enjoy eating out or conversate. If I was more self-absorbed I’d be so self-involved I wouldn’t even notice, and I’d be really happy.
